


Puttin' Text On a Photoshopped Spongebob

by honey_deux



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, There's a lot of swearing, lots of fluff too, lots of text yelling, no one asked for this, smol angst, text fic, the cops speak in memes, the title is clickbait, there is no actual photoshopping of spongebobs, this is purely self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-14 05:37:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16034081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honey_deux/pseuds/honey_deux
Summary: [ connor has entered 'DPD' ][00:00] gReed: never gpna give u up[00:01] tinafae: never gonna let u down[00:01] fuckinusername: never gonna turn aroudn n[00:02] chriscross: desert u[ connor has left 'DPD' ]a text fic! usernames should be pretty self-explanatory. title from know your meme by hot dad





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> side note snl doesn't exist

\------ February 6, 2039 ------

 

_**313 248 317 - 51** has entered ' **DPD'**_

 

[16:26] **fuckinusername** : connor?

[16:26] **313 248 317 - 51** : Yes, Lieutenant?

[16:26] **fuckinusername** : the fuck is that number

[16:27] **313 248 317 - 51** : It's my assigned serial code. If you like, I could change my displayed name to something different.

[16:27] **fuckinusername** : jesus christ, please

 

_**313 248 317 - 51** has changed username to ' **fuckingdeviant** '_

 

[16:28] **fuckingdeviant** : Is that suitable for you, Lieutenant? :-)

[16:28] **fuckinusername** : can u fuckin believe this

[16:28] **fuckinusername** : fuckin androids

[16:28] **jeffreyfowler** : Can we not

[16:28] **fuckinusername** : no

[16:28] **fuckingdeviant** : You should respect your captain, Lieutenant. :-)

[16:29] **fuckinusername** : if you use that emoji one more fucking time i'm gonna actually shoot u

[16:29] **fuckingdeviant** : :-)

[16:29] **fuckinusername** : fuck deviancy

[16:29] **jeffreyfowler** : HANK. FOCUS.

[16:29] **fuckinusername** : what

[16:29] **jeffreyfowler** : You and Connor were supposed to be back at the station two hours ago. Where the fuck have you been? You have a case pending

[16:29] **fuckingdeviant** : Oh, Hank went to grab a hamburger for lunch, and his stomach seemed to disagree with him.

[16:30] **fuckinusername** : i came out to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked rn

[16:30] **fuckingdeviant** : I told you you should have stopped eating those things long ago.

[16:30] **jeffreyfowler** : You're two hours late because Hank needed to take a shit?

[16:30] **fuckinusername** : yknow connor, i cant take u seriously with that fuckin username

[16:30] **fuckingdeviant** : We apologize for the inconvenience, in fact, Hank should be almost done by now.

[16:30] **jeffreyfowler** : Hank, if you've been on your phone the entire two hours you were crapping, I'm firing you

 

_**fuckinusername** has left the conversation._

 

[16:31] **fuckingdeviant** : I'll add him back when he's done. :-)

[16:31] **gReed** : can you shut the FUCK UP i'm about to crack a FUCMFJKING CASE and i can't FUJHFCKING FOCUS if my phone is buzzing every TWO FUCJFDSKING SECONDS

[16:31] **fuckingdeviant** : Good afternoon, Detective Reed. :-)

[16:32] **gReed** : what the fuck

[16:32] **gReed** : i'm blocking all of u

 

_**gReed** has left the conversation. _

 

[16:33] **jeffreyfowler** : This department is so dysfunctional

[16:35] **fuckingdeviant** : Has he arrived yet?

[16:36] **jeffreyfowler** : Has what

[16:36] **fuckingdeviant** : :-)

[16:36] **jeffreyfowler** : You really wanna see Reed suffer, don't you

[16:37] **fuckingdeviant** : Of course not, Captain. I have no such intentions. I just think it would be beneficial for Detective Reed to have someone assist in his investigations. :-) I am aware Detective Reed is a very capable officer, after all.

[16:37] **fuckingdeviant** : Lieutenant Anderson's attitude, punctuality, and diligence have all improved after my arrival, and I believe Detective Reed would benefit from his own partner, as well.

[16:37] **jeffreyfowler** : I'll talk to him about it when he's back

[16:37] **jeffreyfowler** : He's not gonna be happy

[16:38] **fuckingdeviant** : RK900 is a very capable android, I'm sure he'll be able to handle the Detective.

[16:38] **jeffreyfowler** : If you say so

 

_**jeffreyfowler** has entered private conversation with **gReed**_

 

[18:02] **gReed** : i thought i blocked u

[18:02] **jeffreyfowler** : I'm your captain, Reed. Also Connor hacked your phone.

[18:02] **gReed** : fucjdhsking plastic prick

[18:02] **gReed** : so wtf r u coming to yell at me about this time

[18:02] **gReed** : i did my job

[18:03] **jeffreyfowler** : You did. This is about another matter

[18:03] **gReed** : thanks for not bothering to call me all the way to ur office, i guess

[18:03] **jeffreyfowler** : I didn't because I knew you wouldn't like the news. I'm done with being talked back to by you assholes.

[18:03] **gReed** : wtf

[18:03] **jeffreyfowler** : You have a new partner

[18:03] **gReed** : WTF

[18:04] **jeffreyfowler** : It's an RK900 model

[18:04] **gReed** : WTF THE FUCK, FOWLER

[18:04] **jeffreyfowler** : That's Captain to you

[18:04] **gReed** : FUCK THIS

[18:04] **gReed** : i can't express my anger over text

[18:04] **jeffreyfowler** : That's why I didn't call you to my office

[18:06] **jeffreyfowler** : That was police department property you just destroyed

[18:09] **jeffreyfowler** : Reed, I have CCTV everywhere in the office. I can see you **[unsent]**

[18:09] **jeffreyfowler** : You can't block me forever **[unsent]**

[18:11] **jeffreyfowler** : I hate my job **[unsent]**

 

_**313 248 317 - 87** has entered private conversation with **gReed**_

 

[19:14] **gReed:** no

[19:14] **gReed** : fuck you

[19:15] **313 248 317 - 87** : Hello, Detective Reed.

[19:15] **gReed** : fuck off

[19:15] **313 248 317 - 87** : I'll see you at the station tomorrow morning. I hope this can be a pleasant experience for both of us. **[unsent]**

[19:15] **313 248 317 - 87** : I'll see you at the station tomorrow morning. I hope this can be a pleasant experience for both of us.

[19:16] **gReed** : how the fuck did you unblock yourself

[19:16] **313 248 317 - 87** : You might want to get yourself a better phone, Detective. Yours has an outdated security system.

[19:16] **gReed:** fuck off

 

\----- February 7, 2039 ------

_**gReed** has entered ' **DPD** '_

 

[19:57] **tinafae** : omg it's gav

[19:57] **gReed** : fuck off tina

[19:58] **tinafae** : heard u got ur ass handed to u by the plastic prick

[19:58] **gReed** : fuck OFF tina

[19:59] **fuckinusername** : hey coffee boy

[20:00] **gReed** : i might actually kill you

[20:00] **fuckinusername** : i'd like to see u try

[20:01] **tinafae** : 10 bucks on the lieutenant

[20:01] **chriscross** : tag urself i’m the coffee

[20:02] **gReed** : what is this betrayal

[20:02] **gReed** : i'm blocking all of u

[20:02] **fuckingdeviant** : That has proved to be an ineffective method, Detective.

 

_**fuckingdeviant** added **313 248 317 - 87** into ' **DPD'**._

 

[20:03] **fuckingdeviant** : How was your first day, RK900? :-)

[20:03] **313 248 317 - 87** : Unpleasant.

[20:03] **313 248 317 - 87** : But with Detective Reed's cooperation, I believe things will go smoothly.

[20:03] **gReed** : YOU SPILLED COFFEE ON ME, YOU PLASTIC PIECE OF SHIT

[20:03] **313 248 317 - 87** : In self-defense.

[20:04] **gReed** : I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING

[20:04] **313 248 317 - 87** : You were, what you call, an asshole.

[20:04] **gReed** : fuck off tin can

[20:05] **fuckingdeviant** : Actually, we're not made of neither plastic nor tin.

[20:05] **gReed** : actually, i don't fucking care

 

_**gReed** has left the conversation. _

_**313 248 317 - 87** has added **gReed** into ' **DPD** '._

 

[20:05] **gReed** : wtaf

[20:05] **313 248 317 - 87** : It's your duty as a detective to stay updated in the department group chat.

 

_**313 248 317 - 87** has entered private conversation with **gReed**._

 

[20:06] **313 248 317 - 87** : We wouldn't want another accident, would we?

 

_**gReed** has entered ' **DPD** '._

 

[20:06] **gReed** : THE PLASTIC FUCK JUST THREATENED ME

[20:06] **gReed** : HE THREATENED ME AND CALLED IT AN ACCIDENT

[20:06] **gReed** : I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU

[20:07] **313 248 317 - 87** : :-)

 

_**fuckingdeviant** has added **313 248 317 - 87** into 'Jericho'_

 

[23:15] **fuckingdeviant** : Hi, everyone. :-) This is RK900. He's new at the police department, I thought I should introduce him.

[23:15] **sighmon** : connor, your username is concerning

[23:15] **fuckingdeviant** : It's an inside joke with the lieutenant, Simon. :-)

[23:15] **markus** : hey, RK900. welcome to jericho.

[23:16] **313 248 317 - 87** : Great to be here.

[23:16] **northpole** : you got a name?

[23:16] **313 248 317 - 87** : Not particularly. The detective has refused to call me anything besides "dickwad" and "prick".

[23:16] **northpole** : you should kill him

[23:17] **joshcena** : North we talked about this

[23:17] **northpole** : WE HAVE RIGHTS NOW JOSH

[23:17] **joshcena** : NOT KILLING RIGHTS

[23:18] **313 248 317 - 87** : I’m open to any and all suggestions on how to do so.

[23:18] **northpole:** i like how u think

[23:18] **fuckingdeviant:** RK900 managed to spill coffee on Detective Reed this morning. :-)

[23:19] **joshcena:** How the hell

[23:19] **313 248 317 - 87** : It was to be expected, really. He asked me to bring him a coffee and then very eloquently told me to fuck off, so I thought.

[23:19] **313 248 317 - 87** : He also attempted to punch me, but forgot that I have reflexes.

[23:20] **313 248 317 - 87** : He may have ended up on the ground.

[23:20] **markus:** respect.

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae**_

 

[23:20] **gReed:** and then the plastic bitch CATCHES MY FUCKING PUNCH

[23:20] **gReed:** and fucking FLIPS ME

[23:20] **gReed:** and so im face down on the FUCKING FLOOR and he bends down and is all like

[23:21] **gReed:** "fuck u detective blah blah we have rights" like i fucking care

[23:21] **tinafae:** tag urself i’m ur boner

[23:21] **gReed:** shut the fuck up tina or i will shoot u

[23:21] **tinafae:** not like it's not true

[23:21] **tinafae:** u can’t pretend i don’t know all of ur kinks

[23:22] **tinafae:** i remember that one guy last year that you hooked up with

[23:22] **tinafae:** and u fuckijgnf butt dialed me while he was chokign u

[23:22] **tinafae:** can’t type, laughig nd too hadrd

[23:22] **gReed:** I DID NOT

[23:22] **gReed:** STFU THE FUCK UP

[23:23] **gReed:** god i hate u

[23:23] **tinafae:** have fun tomorrow :)

[23:23] **gReed:** fuck off tina

[23:24] **tinafae:** good night to you too gavin

[23:24] **gReed:** gn

[23:26] **gReed:** i still hate u

 

\----- February 8, 2039 -----

 

[01:00] **gReed:** btw if ur asleep alrdy ur fickng weak

[01:05]  **gReed** : did u just call urself my dick


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a very reed900-heavy chapter, takes place a few weeks after the first :-)

\------ February 27, 2039 ------

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with  **313 248 317 - 87** _   


  
[08:45]  **gReed** : hey dipshit

[08:45] **gReed** : where's my coffee 

[08:45] **gReed** : don't pretend u can't see this

[08:45] **gReed** : it's in ur fucking HEAD

[08:47] **gReed** : jesus is this bc i refuse to name you

[08:47] **gReed** : wtf r u, a dog

[08:48] **gReed** : rk900, my coffee   
  
[08:49] **gReed** : nine   
  
[08:50]  **gReed** : nines bring me a coffee

[08:50] **313 248 317 - 87** : My apologies, meat sack. It seems I entered involuntary stasis mode.

[08:50] **gReed** : UR STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE COFFEE MACHINE IN HTE BREAK ROOM

[08:50] **gReed** : I CAN SEE U

[08:50] **gReed** :evil sakc of shit 

[08:52] **313 248 317 - 87** : Did you say something, Detective?   
  
[08:53]  **gReed** : coffee

[08:53] **gReed** : nines

[08:53] **gReed:** lmao ur a fuckin number

[09:01] **gReed:** you FUCKED UP MY COFFEE ON PURPOSE

  
  
_**gReed** has entered private conversation with  **tinafae** _

  
  
[09:03]  **gReed:** i swear to GOD i’m gonna fukcing PUNCH HIM 

[09:03] **tinafae:** not in the station pls

[09:03] **tinafae:** spare me the details

[09:03] **gReed:** i said punch him not fuck him

[09:04] **tinafae:** to u they’re p much the same thing

[09:04] **tinafae:** :)))))

[09:04] **gReed:** SKSFLCNSFK

[09:04] **gReed:** I FEEL SO UFKICNG ATTACKED

[09:04] **gReed:** IM SHAMING U KINKSHAMING ME 

[09:04] **gReed:** ANYWAYS NO I HATE HIM

[09:06] **gReed:** kind of i guess

[09:06] **tinafae:** awwww ww w w w w is gav coming around???

[09:06] **tinafae:** is this a thing???????that’s happening???

[09:06] **gReed:** stop before i break ur nose

[09:06] **tinafae:** too heterosexual for me, sorry bye

[09:07] **gReed:** ur SO FUCKING TOXIC

[09:07] **gReed:** AND I HATE YOU

[09:07] **tinafae:** i love u too gav <3<3<3

[09:09] **gReed:** it’s too early for this shit

 

_**313 248 317 - 87** has changed username to **‘nines’** _

_**nines** has entered private conversation with **gReed** _

 

[11:27] **nines:** Detective, there are reports of suspicious activity around the Highland Park District. 

[11:27] **gReed:** so ur not gonna say anything about diluting my damn coffee huh

[11:27] **nines:** Your caffeine intake is unhealthy as it is, Detective.

[11:27] **gReed:** yea cuz i need to LIVE 

[11:27] **gReed:** do you not want me to LIVE, NINES???

[11:27] **nines:** Please get in the car. 

[11:34] **gReed:** this is so sad, nines play despacito

[11:34] **nines:** What?

[11:34] **gReed:** rk900

[11:34] **gReed:** play

[11:34] **gReed:** despacito

[11:35] **nines:** RK900 is currently unavailable, please leave a message at the end of the tone. Beep.

[11:35] **gReed:** son of a bitch

[11:38] **gReed:** u know it’s fucking creepy when all u do is stare straight ahead when u send msgs

[11:38] **gReed:** like do u even have??facial expressions?

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae** _

 

[11:40] **gReed:** FUCK

[11:40] **gReed:** FUCK

[11:40] **gReed:** FUCK

[11:41] **tinafae:** why do you never ask me how i’m doing

[11:41] **tinafae:** it’s always, tina, the android did this, tina, i’ve got a fucking hard-on,

[11:41] **tinafae:** why do u never ask me what’s up with my nonexistent partner

[11:41] **tinafae:** hey tina

[11:41] **tinafae:** it’s ok, i appreciate u. u don’t need a best friend or a girlfriend. u’ve got me.

[11:41] **gReed:** r u done being bitter

[11:42] **tinafae:** no

[11:42] **gReed:** anyways FUCK

[11:42] **gReed:** this android’s smile is fucking creepy and i hate it 

[11:44] **gReed:** and also i have a murderer on red ice to catch so LATER

[11:46] **tinafae:** DID YOU JUST TEXT ME BECAUSE HE SMILED AT YOU

[11:46] **tinafae:** OMG UR A FUCKING 12 YEAR OLD

[11:47] **tinafae:** TELL ME HOW IT GOES I EXPECT FULL DETAILS WHEN UR BACK

[11:47] **tinafae:** D E E T S 

 

_**nines** has entered private conversation with **fuckingdeviant** _

 

[11:58] **nines:** Connor.

[11:58] **fuckingdeviant:** Hello, Nines. Is the case going well?

[11:58] **nines:** The suspect’s name is Eugene Mislav. Human. Faced criminal charges including drug possession and aggravated assault. Served two years in prison. Unemployed as of 2037. 

[11:58] **fuckingdeviant:** Nines? Why are you telling me this?

[11:58] **nines:** Suspect is on the scene. I do not intend to let him escape.

[11:58] **fuckingdeviant:** Nines?

[11:58] **fuckingdeviant:** Be careful, please. 

[11:58] **fuckingdeviant:** I’m sending backup.

[11:58] **nines:** No need. 

 

**calling Hank Anderson…**

**dialing…**

**dialing…**

**ringing…**

**ringing…**

**ringing…**

 

_ “Reed?” _

“Fuck, Hank, fuck. Get the fuck over here. Send someone. I don’t fucking care. Fuck.”

_ “What the fuck happened? Did you lose the guy?” _

“Fuck him! I don’t fucking care! It’s Nines, he-- Fuck--”

_ “Reed. Gavin. Breathe. Connor and I are on our way. What happened?” _

“He’s fucking insane, Hank! He ran after the guy and got fucking shot and I-- I--

“He’s saying he’s fine, but he’s bleeding all over the place, I-- Fuck, just get here soon. Please.”

_ “Did you just s--” _

 

**call ended.**

 

_**nines** has entered private conversation with _ **_fuckingdeviant_ **

 

[12:26] **nines:** The detective is exaggerating. 

[12:26] **nines:** I’m fine.

[12:26] **nines:** Suspect couldn’t have gotten far. Shot him in the leg.

[12:26] **fuckingdeviant:** Nines! We’re almost here. Are you damaged?

[12:26] **nines:** Thirium pump regulator.

[12:26] **nines:** I have 30 minutes before shutdown. More than enough time.

[12:26] **fuckingdeviant:** What happened? I told you to be careful.

[12:26] **nines:** I was. 

[12:26] **nines:** The detective had a 13.6% survivability when we engaged the suspect.

[12:26] **nines:** He was in almost direct trajectory.

[12:26] **nines:** I made a choice.

 

\------ February 28, 2039 ------

_**fuckinusername** has entered private conversation with **gReed** _

 

[13:47] **fuckinusername:** your android’s fixed

[13:50] **gReed:** not my android

[13:51] **fuckinusername:** just go see him.

[13:55] **gReed:** we closed a case. i’m going home. 

 

_**tinafae** has entered private conversation with **gReed** _

 

[14:12] **tinafae:** gav

[14:12] **tinafae:** gavin?

[14:12] **tinafae:** dude you can’t ignore me forever

[14:12] **tinafae:** or everyone in the precinct for that matter 

[14:24] **gReed:** watch me try

 

_**nines** has created conversation with **fuckingdeviant** and **fuckinusername** _

 

[15:02] **nines:** I fear I may have made a mistake.

[15:02] **nines:** I will not apologize. There is nothing to apologize for.

[15:02] **nines:** It’s so frustrating.

[15:02] **nines:** He had a 13.6% chance of survival. If I hadn’t taken that bullet, he’d be dead. 

[15:02] **nines:** Why is it so hard for humans to understand this?

[15:02] **nines:** My body was built to withstand critical damage. His is so fragile.

[15:02] **fuckingdeviant:** Maybe he was scared, Nines.

[15:03] **nines:** Scared of what? I saved his life.

[15:03] **fuckingdeviant:** Scared for you. 

[15:04] **fuckinusername:** doesn’t take any fancy scanners n shit to know he cares about you, nines

[15:04] **fuckinusername:** i’m the same way.

[15:04] **fuckinusername:** if connor died because of me, i’d never fucking forgive myself

[15:04] **fuckingdeviant:** Lieutenant, please don’t talk like that. 

[15:05] **fuckinusername:** what? it’s true

[15:05] **nines:** So is he angry with me, or himself? I’m not dead. I can’t even feel pain. I just

[15:05] **nines:** I don’t understand. 

[15:06] **fuckinusername:** humans are weird pieces of shit

[15:06] **fuckinusername:** i would know

[15:06] **fuckingdeviant:** It takes time, Nines.

[15:06] **fuckingdeviant:** But adapting to human unpredictability is one of our features. ;-)

[15:06] **fuckingdeviant:** Talk to him.

[15:07] **fuckinusername:** seconded

[15:08] **fuckingdeviant:** Go get your human, Nines. :-)

 

_**nines** has entered private conversation with **gReed** _

 

[15:23] **nines:** I believe something of an apology is in order. 

[15:23] **nines:** Detective Reed, I apologize for compromising our safety in confrontation with an armed suspect.

[15:23] **nines:** Despite what my actions may have dictated, I would also have found it regrettable to be shut down.

[15:23] **nines:** If it meant ensuring your safety, however, I would do it again.

[16:10] **gReed:** fuck you

[16:10] **gReed:** you don’t get to 

[16:10] **gReed:** you don’t get to pull that shit and pretend it’s ok

[16:11] **gReed:** you could have died, you fucking

[16:11] **gReed:** asshole

[16:11] **gReed:** piece of shit

[16:11] **nines:** I’m here now.

[16:11] **nines:** And I will be, for the foreseeable future. 

[16:15] **gReed:** don’t think i’m happy about that

[16:15] **gReed:** dickbag

[16:58] **gReed:** welcome back from the dead

[16:58] **gReed:** don’t do that again.

[17:00] **nines:** Good to be back.

 

**_nines_ ** _has entered conversation with **fuckinusername, fuckingdeviant**_

 

[17:05]  **nines** : Thank you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be funny and then it wasn't.  
> damn is it hard to write angst in a text fic  
> hope you enjoyed :-)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can officially testify i have no idea what i'm doing  
> please enjoy this mess

\------ April 17, 2039 ------

_**nines** has entered **‘Jericho’** _

 

[11:34] **northpole:** FUCK YOU

[11:34] **northpole:** FUCK ALL OF YALL

[11:34] **northpole:** THIS GROUP IS SO TOXIC

[11:34] **northpole:** I’M OUT

[11:35] **nines:** Ouch.

[11:35] **nines:** Is everything okay?

[11:35] **fuckingdeviant:** Markus declined her offer to play paintball.

[11:35] **nines:** Oh?

[11:35] **fuckingdeviant:** With real guns.

[11:36] **nines:** Oh.

[11:36] **northpole:** ok listen dipshits

[11:36] **northpole:** we can’t feel pain

[11:36] **northpole:** normal paintball is NO FUN

[11:37] **sighmon:** north, paintball with real guns

[11:37] **sighmon:** is not a thing

[11:37] **sighmon:** why would it be called paintball?

[11:37] **northpole:** because i paint ur balls

[11:37] **northpole:** WITH BLOOD

[11:38] **markus:** you’re aware we don’t have. actual reproductive organs, right?

[11:38] **northpole:** ur dulling my sparkle, markus

[11:38] **markus:** what sparkle

[11:38] **joshcena:** OH SHIT

[11:38] **northpole:** BITCH

[11:38] **fuckingdeviant:** So, how are things, Nines? :-)

[11:39] **nines:** Interesting.

[11:39] **northpole:** THIS DISRESPECT

 

[11:40] **joshcena:** I’m calling north out on her BULLSHIT

[11:41] **northpole:** that was so aggressive josh

[11:41] **northpole:** and unnecessary

[11:41] **joshcena:** Ur unnecessary

[11:41] **markus:** OHHHHH

[11:41] **northpole:** so nines, :) how is, :) not hating :) your friends,

[11:42] **nines:** Preferrable, really.

[11:42] **nines:** I’d say I’m wondering how you live like this but at the same time, it has its charms.

[11:42] **joshcena:** Awwww

[11:42] **northpole:** things weren’t always like this, nines.

[11:42] **northpole:** we too, were once little birds wishing to fly.

[11:43] **markus:** we’re androids, north.

[11:43] **northpole:** shut UP markus i’m having a moment

[11:43] **northpole:** it all started that fateful day

[11:43] **northpole:** during the peaceful revolution

[11:43] **northpole:** when markus and i kissed and the world went wild

[11:43] **northpole:** and then i was like lmao bitch u thought

[11:43] **northpole:** i’m actually gay

[11:43] **northpole:** and markus cried because he was in love with me and everyone died the end

[11:45] **markus:** wtf

[11:46] **sighmon:** that was the worst story i’ve ever heard

[11:46] **fuckingdeviant:** Really wasn’t your best, North. :-)

[11:47] **northpole:** connor have i ever told u i hate u and ur overwhelming positivity

[11:47] **fuckingdeviant:** No, but thank you for your feedback.

[11:48] **sighmon:** so what ACTUALLY happened was,

[11:48] **markus:** i am an android.

[11:48] **markus:** a gay android.

[11:48] **sighmon:** markus said to north

[11:48] **markus:** and that’s when i saw him

[11:48] **sighmon:** it was me

[11:48] **sighmon:** the other gay android

[11:49] **joshcena:** Can I interrupt to say GOALS

[11:49] **markus:** no you may not.

[11:49] **fuckingdeviant:** Is that how you two got together? That’s adorable! :-)

[11:49] **markus:** it actually wasn’t

[11:49] **markus:** simon was tripping over his feelings, like.

[11:49] **markus:** for at least three months after that.

[11:50] **sighmon:** TO BE FAIR you weren’t making many moves either

[11:50] **markus:** i invited you over. to my house.

[11:50] **sighmon:** you said we were making cookies

[11:50] **markus:** suggestively.

[11:50] **sighmon:** WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

[11:50] **northpole:** babies, simon. markus wants ur babies.

[11:51] **markus:** i am going to helpfully remind everyone again that we don’t have reproductive organs.

[11:51] **sighmon:** thanks for interrupting our love story with facts about gay sex

[11:51] **markus:** gay android sex.

[11:51] **sighmon:** uh

[11:51] **sighmon:** yeah

[11:52] **joshcena:** GET A ROOM

 

_**markus** has left the conversation _

_**sighmon** has left the conversation _

 

[11:54] **northpole:** i’m not adding them back

[11:54] **joshcena:** We’ll give them three hours.

 

_**nines** has entered private conversation with **gReed** _

 

[12:04] **nines:** Good afternoon, Detective.

[12:04] **nines:** I’m aware it’s your day off.

[12:06] **gReed:** damn fucking right it is

[12:06] **gReed:** so this better be either not work related or important

[12:06] **gReed:** wait shit

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae** _

 

[12:06] **gReed:** AM I BEING TOO OBVIOUS

[12:06] **gReed:** I JUST SAID “THIS BETTER BE NOT WORK RELATED”

[12:06] **gReed:** HOW AM I THIS FUCKING DUMB

[12:08] **tinafae:** omg dude

[12:08] **tinafae:** literally chill

[12:08] **tinafae:** ur such a mess

[12:08] **tinafae:** tina asked out the girl she met at the bar yesterday

[12:08] **tinafae:** her name is kelsey and tina is meeting her for dinner tonight

[12:09] **tinafae:** be like tina

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[12:06] **nines:** No, this is not work-related.

[12:06] **nines:** I was wondering if you would like to come over?

[12:06] **nines:** I’ve found baking cookies is a good way to relieve frustration about a tedious case.

[12:10] **gReed:** did u just call my work tedious

[12:10] **gReed:** the case is going FINE thank u very much i just need a few more

[12:10] **gReed:** years

[12:10] **gReed:** wait did u just

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae** _

 

[12:10] **gReed:** HE JUST INVITED ME TOHIS HOUSE????

[12:10] **gReed:** TO BAKE COOKIES

[12:10] **gReed:** WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN

[12:11] **tinafae:** it means he wants to engage in the activity of baking. with u.

[12:11] **gReed:** do androids even eat?? cookies???

[12:11] **gReed:** wait is it a pun

[12:11] **gReed:** is he making a pun

[12:11] **gReed:** like cookies on ur fucking browser????

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[12:11] **gReed:** is that a pun???

[12:12] **nines:** Is what?

[12:12] **gReed:** cookies

[12:12] **nines:** No, I simply did some research on how best to calm down humans when they are stressed.

[12:12] **nines:** I understand if you’d rather decline, humans do find weekends important to have time to themselves, after all.

[12:12] **gReed:** no no i

[12:12] **gReed:** i mean

[12:12] **gReed:** sure?

[12:12] **gReed:** i just didn’t know u had a place

[12:12] **nines:** I’ll send you the address promptly.

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae** _

 

[12:12] **gReed:** i may have made the worst mistake of my life

[12:13] **gReed:** that’s not saying much

[12:13] **tinafae:** omg u dumb gay disaster

[12:13] **tinafae:** just go to his house

[12:13] **tinafae:** fuck shit up

[12:13] **gReed:** i don’t want to fuck shit up tina

[12:13] **gReed:** that’s the worst part

[12:13] **gReed:** like what if i make him hate me

[12:14] **gReed:** i hvaen’t showered in three days???

[12:14] **tinafae:** HE WON’T HATE YOU

[12:14] **tinafae:** UR SO DUMB

[12:14] **tinafae:** FUCKING GO

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[12:14] **gReed:** i’ll see u in 20

[12:14] **nines:** I’ll be counting.

[12:14] **gReed:** u realize that’s the creepiest thing u’ve said to me ever right

[12:14] **nines:** :-)

[12:15] **gReed:** i hope ur kitchen catches on fire

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **tinafae** _

 

[12:15] **gReed:** i don’t actually know how to bake

[12:15] **tinafae:** I’M GONNA SAY THIS ONE MORE TIME

[12:15] **tinafae:** STOP BOTHERING ME

[12:15] **gReed:** wow AGGRESSIVE

[12:15] **tinafae:** GO

 

_**fuckingdeviant** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[17:49] **fuckingdeviant:** Remember to ask him to dinner!

[17:49] **nines:** Dinner that I cannot eat?

[17:49] **fuckingdeviant:** Well, I’m content watching Hank eat even if I cannot consume food myself.

[17:49] **nines:** I believe the detective would call that ‘creepy’.

[17:49] **fuckingdeviant:** Nines,

[17:49] **fuckingdeviant:** Don’t be afraid. :-)

[17:49] **nines:** What would I be afraid of? That’s absolutely illogical.

 

_**calling...** _

“Good evening. I’d like to make a reservation for two, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought of gay androids and then that one potter puppet pals scene popped into my head


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one (1) welcome to night vale reference, coming right up

\----- April 17, 2039 ------

_**tinafae** has created conversation with **fuckingdeviant, fuckinusername** _

 

[18:46] **tinafae:** ull never believe who i saw walking into the restaurant i’m in 

[18:46] **tinafae:** it's our fav problems son 

[18:47] **fuckingdeviant:** Detective Reed?

[18:47] **tinafae:** bingo, tin can 

[18:47] **fuckinusername:** the fuck’s he doing at a restaurant

[18:47] **fuckinusername:** i’ve never seen him eat a proper meal

[18:49] **fuckinusername:** wait

[18:49] **fuckinusername:** is he with the android

[18:49] **fuckingdeviant:** That took you 10.7 seconds longer than usual to react.

[18:49] **fuckinusername:** ur on MY couch, connor

[18:49] **fuckinusername:** so stfu 

[18:50] **tinafae:** GAVIN FUCKING REED IS IN A BOOTH A LITTE AWAY FROM ME

[18:50] **tinafae:** WITH NINES 

[18:50] **tinafae:** AND THEY'RE TALKING 

[18:50] **fuckingdeviant:** What are they saying?

[18:50] **tinafae:** hold on

[18:50] **fuckinusername:** if he catches u, ur dead

[18:52] **tinafae:** ok big bad lieutenant, i’m still a cop, and a good one, i can eavesdrop without dying tyvm 

[18:55] **tinafae:** omg gavin’s apologizing for being gross

[18:55] **fuckinusername:** he's APOLOGIZING??? 

[18:55] **fuckinusername:** first he says please and now he says sorry the fuck is the world comin to

[18:55] **tinafae:** and nines is like “yea it's chill bro” 

[18:55] **fuckingdeviant:** That doesn't sound like him.

[18:56] **tinafae:** i’m PARAPHRASING connor let me do my thing

[18:56] **tinafae:** “thanks for letting me borrow ur shirt i guess but u didn't have to reserve a place at this place what the fuck” g

[18:56] **tinafae:** “u don't even eat why take me out to dinner”

[18:56] **tinafae:** “i mean i like it, it's nice but uh”

[18:56] **fuckinusername:** gavin, master of words 

[18:56] **tinafae:** “you didn't have to”

[18:56] **tinafae:** everyone pray for our dumbass, oblivious child

[18:56] **fuckinusername:** f

[18:57] **tinafae:** “i wouldn't do anything i didn't want to do detective” 9 

[18:57] **tinafae:** “that includes inviting you over to blow up my kitchen”

[18:57] **fuckinusername:** he what

[18:57] **tinafae:** 9s invited him over for cookies

[18:57] **tinafae:** idfk

[18:58] **fuckingdeviant:** Oh my rA9.

[18:58] **tinafae:** “fuck im sorry about that i shouldve mentioned i cant fucking bake” g

[18:58] **tinafae:** “it's fine. i enjoyed ur company” 9

[18:58] **tinafae:** “yeah i’m sure ur enjoying my company just watching me pig out on this shit” g

[18:58] **tinafae:** our oblivious, insecure problems child

[18:59] **fuckinusername:** that's kind of sad

[18:59] **fuckingdeviant:** I watch you eat and you're fine with it, Lieutenant.

[18:59] **fuckinusername:** not fine with u tryna fuck up my diet

[18:59] **fuckingdeviant:** It's not healthy! You're decreasing your lifespan by at least 4 years and 8 months!

[18:59] **tinafae:** “i am.” 9

[19:00] **tinafae:** omg gavin’s talking with his mouth full disgusting 

[19:00] **tinafae:** they're talking about music 

[19:01] **tinafae:** “new music sucks, listen to the classics. 1980’s. early 2000s. that's the shit” g

[19:01] **fuckinusername:** finally something we agree on

[19:03] **tinafae:** hold on my food is here

[19:03] **tinafae:** you know who’s NOT

[19:03] **tinafae:** my fucking date

[19:03] **tinafae:** which i’m chill with bc she wasn’t very cool anyway and i get more time to spy on gav

[19:04] **fuckinusername:** the fuck

[19:04] **fuckinusername:** you get fuckin stood up?

[19:04] **fuckingdeviant:** We will, borrowing words from the lieutenant, whoop her ass for you if you’d like. :-)

[19:05] **tinafae:** CONRNOR I ALMOST CHOKED 

[19:05] **tinafae:** DID YU O JUST SAY WHOOP HER ASS 

[19:05] **fuckinusername:** my son

[19:05] **fuckinusername:** look at my son

[19:05] **fuckinusername:** pride is not the word i’m looking for

[19:05] **fuckinusername:** there is so much more inside me now

[19:05] **fuckingdeviant:** :-)

[19:06] **tinafae:** i surrender anything and everything to the almighty god who created deviancy

[19:06] **fuckingdeviant:** That would be Kamski.

[19:06] **tinafae:** i take that back

[19:10] **tinafae:** this is tina chen reporting from tourniquet fine dining, out

[19:10] **fuckingdeviant:** Enjoy your meal, Officer Chen! :-)

 

[19:44] **tinafae:** ok ok ok they were talking about boring stuff the entire time but THIS JSUT GOT INTERESTING

[19:44] **tinafae:** they’re arguing about who’s paying

[19:44] **tinafae:** and nines obviously took gavin’s wallet or something to prevent him from paying

[19:44] **tinafae:** i love my oblivious dork couple

[19:44] **tinafae:** and so gavin’s like “bitch???ur gonna spend ur money on just watching me eat????”

[19:44] **tinafae:** and nines says “i was the one who invited u here.”

[19:44] **tinafae:** “and u seemed reluctant to come at first so i figured in compensation i would pay the bill”

[19:45] **fuckingdeviant:** Typical, Nines. 

[19:45] **tinafae:** we love and appreciate our oblivious children

[19:45] **fuckinusername:** pls i already have one kid i don’t need 2 more 

[19:45] **tinafae:** AND SO GAVIN’S LIKE “no no i. it was fun. i like u. i mean i like hanging out with u” fucking DORK

[19:45] **tinafae:** “really, detective?” and 9s actually sounds surprised hes either a good actor or a good actor

[19:45] **fuckingdeviant:** We were equipped with proficient skills should we find ourselves in an undercover situation. 

[19:45] **tinafae:** and gavin says “look. idk why u invited me here but i’m just gonna- fuck it, nines, i should hate u but i dont.”

[19:45] **tinafae:** “i actually. really like u, if today wasn’t a clear enough indicator of that and uh.”

[19:45] **tinafae:** AND NIESN IS LKE “detective reed u ridiculous man”

[19:45] **tinafae:** “u make me feel things”

[19:46] **tinafae:** kjhknHNDAKFFJDHS

[19:46] **fuckingdeviant:** I’m so proud!!!

[19:46] **fuckinusername:** holy SHIT REED 

[19:46] **fuckinusername:** i just lost 50 bucks to chris

[19:46] **fuckinusername:** i bet reed would be too big of a coward to admit his feelings

[19:50] **tinafae:** guys

[19:50] **tinafae:** GUSY

[19:50] **tinafae:** GUYSSSDA

[19:50] **fuckingdeviant:** What is it??

[19:50] **tinafae:** TEY’RE KISSING IN THE RESTUANRAT

[19:50] **tinafae:** ONE OF THEM IDK WHO LEANED ACROSS THE TABLE AND NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT ACROSS THE TABLE.

[19:50] **tinafae:** like IDIOTS

[19:50] **fuckingdeviant:** Oh my rA9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[19:51] **fuckinusername:** THERE GOES ANOTHER 50 BUCKS

[19:51] **fuckingdeviant:** Lieutenant, I did advise you against gambling.

[19:51] **fuckinusername:** oh shut up ur surprised too 

[19:51] **tinafae:** should i start clapping

[19:51] **tinafae:** if i start clapping will other people clap too

[19:51] **tinafae:** maybe i’ll just get kicked out i ain’t gonna clap soz

[19:51] **tinafae:** they’re leaving

[19:51] **tinafae:** is it an invasion of privacy if i follow them

[19:51] **fuckingdeviant:** You’ve probably already invaded their privacy beyond the point of return, Officer Chen.

[19:55] **tinafae:** GUSYS

[19:55] **tinafae:** hthe fukcing android

[19:55] **tinafae:** just looked back @ me

[19:55] **tinafae:** MADE EYE CONTACT

[19:55] **tinafae:** and WINKED

[19:55] **tinafae:** gavin is so fucked

[19:55] **fuckingdeviant:** Statistically, the likelihood of RK900 not noticing your presence is less than 3.4%.

[19:55] **fuckingdeviant:** He probably picked up your heat signature.

[19:56] **tinafae:** and u couldn’t tell me this before i decided to spy on my best friend and his android bf?

[19:56] **fuckingdeviant:** It wouldn’t have been as interesting. :-)

[19:56] **fuckinusername:** that’s my boy

[19:56] **tinafae:** hank u knew all along u traitor

[19:56] **tinafae:** this betrayal

 

_**tinafae** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[22:03] **tinafae:** u break his heart

[22:03] **tinafae:** i beat ur ass

[22:03] **tinafae:** do not doubt it for a second that i will hesitate to rip u apart piece by piece and grind them up in a shredder and burn them

[22:03] **tinafae:** be good to him ok

[22:03] **tinafae:** he deserves u

[22:05] **nines:** Thank you, Officer Chen.

[22:05] **tinafae:** it’s tina

[22:06] **nines:** Thank you, Tina.

[22:06] **tinafae:** no problem

[22:06] **tinafae:** make sure he eats

[22:06] **tinafae:** and sleeps

[22:06] **tinafae:** and showers

[22:06] **tinafae:** i don’t think he does any of those things normally

[23:10] **nines:** _sent image **missionsuccess.jpeg**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've just made you think about hank singing hamilton and i'm not sorry  
> i'll leave you to guess what missionsuccess.jpeg meant :-)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin is so, so fucked.

\------ October 3, 2039 ------

 

Gavin is happy. Really fucking happy, and it scares him a little because happiness like this doesn’t usually last. When it started, Gavin wondered how long he had before the quick kisses would stop, and he would lose Nines’ hands in his hair and the gentleness in his blue eyes-- but it hadn’t disappeared. Gavin would wake up every morning to Nines’ head no his chest and his arm draped over Gavin’s abdomen and it hadn’t stopped. Half a year. Half a fucking year, of Nines’ deft fingers running shampoo through Gavin’s hair, the anxiety ebbing with the flow of water across his body. Nines standing in his kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands. Nines’ mouth against his. Nines’ smile when they solved a case together.  _ Nines. Nines. Nines.  _

__ “Good morning, Detective,” the android greets when Gavin steps into their kitchen.  _ Their  _ kitchen. Oh, fuck. “It’s 54 degrees out, cloudy.” Nines is holding a mug of coffee between his perfect hands, and his face breaks into a gentle smile when Gavin mutters, “Mornin’.” Gavin had thought he’d get sick of this scene, or maybe Nines would realize he’s a disgusting mess of a human and get sick of him, but morning after morning of exactly this and perfect fucking Nines is still standing there with his perfect fucking hair and his perfect fucking face and everything in Gavin’s being is screaming,  _ I love you I love you I love you.  _

 “Coffee,” his mouth says instead, lamely, and Nines moves from behind the counter to plant the mug in Gavin’s hands and a kiss on his forehead. 

 “Breakfast is on the table. Spinach crepes, just the way you like them.”

 “I don’t like spinach anything, fuck off, microwave.” Gavin has to hide his smile behind the coffee cup that he brings to his lips. Since they’d found out Gavin can’t cook for shit, Nines has been the one preparing his meals and making him eat healthy. Meaning no takeout, no microwaved leftover takeout, and no skipping meals altogether, which had Gavin pissed at first. He feels bad, though, because Nines does everything and expects nothing in return, but he supposes the android gets a kick out of it too, mixing random flavors together and having Gavin describe how it tastes. His favorite has been Greek yogurt, avocado, eggs, and some other weird sauce that Gavin can’t name, that made Gavin sputter and cough in distaste. It was also the first time Gavin had seen Nines laugh; a full on, head-thrown-back, wide-smiled laugh that made Gavin’s insides turn to mush. So Gavin supposes it’s his favorite too. (No fucking way is he eating that again, though.) 

 “I was thinking,” Nines says.

 “Always fuckin’ thinking,” Gavin responds, only to realize his mouth is full of half-coffee and half-spinach pancake (he refuses to say crepe, makes him feel classy and ridiculous), which makes the words that come out of his mouth sound like garbled bullshit. God, how does Nines put up with this. 

 “You haven’t taken time off work in two years,” Nines continues, seeming to be pointedly ignoring his human’s gross habit. 

 “Mhm?”

 “Your birthday is coming up soon, and most humans do find it customary to celebrate such a day, so I was thinking we should do something on October seventh, and you could take a day or two off. I’m sure Captain Fowler would be amenable to it.”

 “I, uh.” Gavin stills. Swallows. Fuck, he hadn’t thought about his birthday. His plan usually is to hang out with Tina, get shitfaced, and show up to work the next day with the worst fucking hangover of his life.  _ Start at rock bottom, so you can only go up from there,  _ Tina had said, wise woman that she is. But now-- shit. “I never really thought about it. I don’t-- It’s nothing special, really.”

 “You’re special to me, Detective. So think about it.” A kiss to Gavin’s temple. “And get changed. We’re due at the station in ten minutes.” Gavin gets up from his chair with haste, because he’s pretty sure he’s going to melt into a puddle of Gavin Reed, right there at Nines’ feet. 

 “Nines minutes and twelve seconds,” Nines calls as Gavin pulls his jeans over his legs. And then he thinks, involuntarily,  _ I could spend the rest of my fucking life with him.  _ Fuck. He pauses, jeans halfway up his thighs, and pulls out his phone.  _ Fuck it.  _

 

_**gReed** has entered private conversation with **nines** _

 

[7:41] **gReed:** hey asshole

[7:41] **gReed:** i love you

[7:41] **nines:** I love you too, Gavin.

 

Not even a moment’s hesitation. And then,

 

[7:41] **nines:** Eight minutes and forty-seven seconds. 

 

Gavin is so, so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand that's it! a small baby teeny tiny (un-beta'd) narrative chapter to wrap things up!  
> thank you so much for reading!!


	6. (Short) Bonus!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going through some drafts for this fic and then i found this gem  
> super short, was meant to be a lead-in to another existing scene but enjoy!

_**nines** has entered  **'Jericho'** _

  
  
[15:27] **nines** **:** Granted, he almost punched me.   
[15:27] **northpole** : kill him  
[15:27] **joshcena** : North no  
[15:27] **northpole** : kill him with kindness  
[15:27] **northpole** : i like the way u think  
[15:27] **joshcena** : Nobody's killing anyone, North  
[15:27] **northpole** : tell that to the asshole on the street last night  
[15:27] **joshcena** : North wtf  
[15:27] **sighmon** : North no  
[15:27] **markus** : north.  
[15:27] **northpole** : :)  


  
_**northpole** has left the conversation _   


  
[15:29] **fuckingdeviant** : Well, Hank hasn't gotten any cases of suspected android involvement since last week, so hopefully she's lying. :-)  
[15:31] **fuckingdeviant** : Shit.  
[15:31] **sighmon** : WHAT  
[15:31] **joshcena** : rA9 save us   


  
_**fu** **ckingdeviant** has added  **northpole** into  **'Jericho'** _   


  
[15:33] **fuckingdeviant** : North, you're under arrest for murder.  
[15:33] **markus** : goddamn it, north.  
[15:33] **sighmon** : NORTH WHY  
[15:33] **northpole** : can't arrest me if u can't find me :)  
[15:33] **fuckingdeviant** : You are aware I can just track your location from where you're communicating, right?   
[15:34] **fuckingdeviant** : You turned off your location didn't you.  
[15:34] **joshcena** : WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN  
[15:34] **fuckingdeviant** : I have to go.   
[15:34] **markus** : bye, connor. good luck.  
[15:34] **sighmon** : Stay safe   
[15:34] **joshcena** : Don't die   
[15:35] **nines** : Is it always like this?  
[15:35] **joshcena** : Yes  
[15:35] **sighmon** : Yeah   
[15:38] **fuckingdeviant** : Update, he's not dead! Just suffered extreme head trauma! :-)  
[15:38] **joshcena** : Considering North I guess we should be relieved  
[15:38] **fuckingdeviant** : North, you're still under arrest for aggravated assault! :-)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aah i can finally do inktober in peace  
> i may try to write some reed900 for nanowrimo next month! :-)


End file.
